ESUS Application

[Zerstorendar]

The Zanekriegerlich Helgrund Klaitus. Supreme Commander of the Zerstorendarian Army, the Zanekrieger. General of a million men and victor of a thousand battles. A man of personal honour and battlefield courage, and prodigious natural talent. Diplomacy was not beyond his gifts, and this task given to him by the Kaiserlich himself would be performed to the best of his abilities.

The Supreme Commander of the Army was, perhaps, too august an official to represent Zerstorendar in their ESUS admittance party, but the Kaiserlich himself had ruled that an impression must be made. The Commander of the Sternkrieger was too zealous, the Commander of the Blitzmord too socially offputting, the Commander of the Sternsieg too imperious and not possessed of tact. Zanekriegerlich Klaitus was seen as the perfect choice, proud and powerful in bearing yet reasonable and perceptive in manner. And far more impressive than a mere diplomat.

The sound of his military-issue parade boots boomed loudly as he turned to once more check his reflection in the mirror before heading to the party. He was tall, over six foot, his short-cropped dark brown hair complimenting his scarred chin and powerful nose. He was immaculate in silver ceremonial cuirass decorated with scenes of bloody military triumphs, a black dress uniform with red trim, an ear-high scarlet collar, a trailing black cape, and a powerful chest buried in military awards and insignia. Every inch the representative of Zerstorendar. Klaitus also sported a railpistol

Accompanying Helgrund were four high-ranking diplomats and ambassadors from the Secundlich, the ruling council of Zerstorendar, and two impressive-looking Ravagers. The latter two men were an honour guard, dressed similarly if less ostentatiously to their commander. They had earned their place here on the field of battle, and only their remarkable discipline stopped their faces from glowing at the honour done to them by allowing their presence at such a momentous occasion.

The seven of them moved in a formation decided by Helgrund; he was in the lead, his fellow soldiers following closely in perfect lockstep, the four diplomats close behind. As they reached the door guarding the room where history would be made, Helgrund stopped. His retinue did likewise. The Zanekriegerlich turned to his companions:
“Today is a new chapter in the glorious tale that is Zerstorendar. Do not disappoint the Kaiserlich.�
Zanekriegerlich Klaitus then opened the door and stepped into the party.

A Central Facehuggarian senator moved to greet one of the diplomats. The Zerstorendarian gestured toward the frowning Zanekriegerlich. The Facehuggarian smiled politely and took the hint.
“Welcome to the Extra Solar Union of Systems, my lord…?�
“I am Zanekriegerlich Helgrund Klaitus, Supreme Commander of the Zerstorendarian Army and chosen representative of the mighty Kaiserlich and Zerstorendar. Who might you be?�
The Zerstorendarian senators were already exercising every ounce of their willpower not to slap their hands to their foreheads, and the Ravagers seemed uninterested. Klaitus, however, was simply taking the measure of his diplomatic opponent. An empire as powerful and widely feared as Central Facehuggaria would understand.

But the Central Facehuggarian senator simply smiled, but did not answer. The Ravagers still did not react, but the diplomats clenched their fists at this casual insult to Helgrund, who stared down at the senator both furiously and warily. The Facehuggarian eventually said:
“We weren’t expecting such a high ranking military man to be representing your empire. Why not send a diplomat?�
Prepared for psychological warfare and receiving only politeness, Helgrund was offput.
“Zerstorendar is a military nation, and we decided our entry into the ESUS warranted the presence of one such as myself.�
“Does your nation not have diplomats?�
Klaitus was becoming increasingly confused. Why would an empire with a reputation such as theirs have such a fop greeting men as powerful as himself? And what was his obsession with soldiers being unsuitable for diplomacy? Is that even what he meant? Surely with their history, Central Facehuggaria would have no compunction against using soldiers as diplomats? The more Klaitus thought about it, the more convinced he became that he was being mocked. Central Facehuggarians could not be this polite, but it wasn’t unbelievable that they could be this arrogant. As Helgrund’s choler began to rise uncharacteristically quickly, the senator interdicted:
“Come, let me introduce you to the rest of the ESUS.� With surprising speed he grabbed Klaitus’ arm, which was strongly jerked away.
“Do not touch me, and perhaps I will forget your insults.� At a curt gesture, the two Ravagers stepped forward to flank their commander, turning their suddenly dangerous-looking faces toward the senator.

Two equally formidable men stepped forward to the senator’s side, obviously powerful soldiers in their own right. The air crackled with potential for serious violence as the Ravagers sized up the Imperial Troopers, and heads in the large room were beginning to turn. Aware that the situation was slipping away from his grasp, the Zanekriegerlich weighed up his options. While his Ravagers considered the most efficient way to quickly eliminate their opponents if the order was given or the enemy attacked, Helgrund was trying to think of a way out of the situation the Facehuggarian had caused.

He came to the conclusion that there was no response to be given that did not involve admission of fault on his own part, and that he would certainly not do. How could he have guessed the Facehuggarian would act so insolently? A soldier was supposed to take and give things at face value, and he found the senator’s actions repellent.

If these were the sorts of people that formed the senior membership of ESUS, then perhaps joining was not in Zerstorendar’s interests. Moreover, the mixture of displeasure, bewilderment and even amusement on the faces of the other representatives spoke volumes: Zerstorendar was no longer welcome at their own admittance party.

So be it, thought the Zanekriegerlich as he marched from the room with his retinue.

++++++

“He should have cut his Tereza-damned head off and spat the man’s blood in the face of his guards!�, the Sternkriegerlich spat.
“Perhaps not, but a strong blow to a vital organ would not have been unwarranted.�, the Sternsieglich stated articulately..
“Poison in the drink, neural agents on a fingertip implant, airborne intoxicants…� whispered the Blitzmordlich, as if to himself.

While the three highest ranking military men in the empire put forward their own thoughts on the same argument, the Ruler of all Zerstorendar, the Kaiserlich, kept his thoughts to himself.

The Kaiserlich’s name was Kytus Draigan, and if there was one person whose position he envied in the entire known universe, it was the Zanekriegerlich. As such, they formed quite a close relationship built on mutual respect and respect for authority. Kytus was a warrior and a diplomat, just like Helgrund, though perhaps less talented in the former and more so in the latter. He could see already that had he sent any of the other three, Zerstorendar would already be at war. The Blitzmordlich would have been more subtle about beginning a war that would likely destroy their empire, but Kytus wasn’t fool enough to think that the result would be any different. The Blitzmordlich, Supreme Commander of Zerstorendar’s unconventional warfare forces, tended to rub people the wrong way.

Yes, sending Helgrund had been the right choice, at least when compared to the alternatives. Kytus wondered if perhaps he should have made the sensitivity of the admittance ceremony clearer. Kytus voiced his concerns to the three bickering men surrounding him:

“Admittance into the ESUS is important for Zerstorendar. We are not yet powerful enough to make our way in the greater vastness of space-“
The Sternkriegerlich slammed his fist down on the throneroom’s planning table.
“No! Send my Hellbringers in, and we’ll-“As Kytus raised his eyebrow at the interruption, the Sternsieglich pushed a piece of paper onto the table.
“What is this?� inquired the Kaiserlich.
“Our projections for ESUS fleet strength in the event of a war.�
The Sternkriegerlich snatched it off the table, and read it quickly. A great internal struggle was clearly raging as he spoke:
“FUCK.� He then subsided into furious silence.

++++++

Only a few minutes later, Zanekriegerlich Helgrund was reading the same projections.
“Perhaps we can drown their skirmishing forces in our own blood�, he mused to himself.
Out of pure interest, he ordered his logistics officers to begin a compilation of the ground-based forces ESUS would be able to gather in the event of a full scale invasion of Zerstorendar.

Helgrund’s reaction was not surprising to his officers:
“Well, fuck.�
“Tell me if the Kaiserlich reaches a decision, I need to fight something.�

++++++

Kaiserlich Kytus Draigan was still thinking while the Sternkriegerlich stared daggers at the back of the Sternsieglich, who was debating with the Blitzmordlich:
“We can’t win a war with ESUS, we won’t even last a month�.
“My Blitzmord have won wars that we found difficult before�.
The Sternsieglich gaped in disbelief, and waved the fleet projections in his hand: “Have you even read this?�
“No�, admitted the Blitzmordlich, “but my job never was and still isn’t destroying ships.�
The Sternsieglich threw his arms in the air in disbelief as the Kaiserlich reached a decision:
“A small blow to our honour is no small price to pay, but I refuse to see everything we and our ancestors have built in the name of Tereza destroyed because we were too stiff-backed.� The reference to Tereza was added to placate the once-again furious Sternkriegerlich: “I will order the Zanekriegerlich to remedy this situation by any means necessary, excluding military force. Are there any objections?�
“No, my lord.�
“No, Kaiserlich.�
The Sternkriegerlich shrugged his shoulders as the last elements of his opposition died in the face of necessity: “No sir.�

++++++

During sparring the Ravager officers scored quite a few hits Helgrund should have avoided, his super-enhanced physique suffering heavy bruising to the metal-crushing strikes of his soldiers. Helgrund attributed his uncharacteristic distraction to the day’s events. As a comm. officer alerted him to the Kaiserlich’s orders, he dressed in his standard military uniform with the same chest-full of medals and holstered railpistol, which was unloaded. It was truly time for diplomacy, and he wouldn’t fail the Kaiserlich under any circumstances.

His Ravager bodyguards still accompanied him as he made his way to the chambers of the Central Facehuggarian senator. The admittance party had broken up into a discussion on the merits and issues inherent in allowing Zerstorendar entrance into the ESUS, with quite a few voices demanding that Zerstorendar be put in their place if they wish entry. Klaitus was aware of this, and his diplomats were currently busy patching things up. He knew, however, that he would need to face the Facehuggarian ambassador if the situation was to be completely salvaged. He requested entry into the senator’s chambers, which was granted.

He entered the room, and the Facehuggarian senator stood to welcome him, his two guards standing behind him. The clones and Ravagers kept an eye on each other as the two representatives approached each other. The senator seemed unperturbed by their earlier confrontation, and his extended hand for some reason provoked outright hostility in Klaitus. He attempted to suppress it, but the confusion and anger that had so shaped his actions earlier in the day returned even more strongly. The senator seemed to notice something was amiss as Klaitus attempted to stem the overwhelming tide of rage that possessed him, clenching his teeth and fists and breathing heavily. The Ravagers also sensed something was wrong, and stepped forward to their commander’s side, prompting the Imperial clones to do likewise. Klaitus turned to leave before he did something he regretted, and his bodyguards followed.

++++++

The Kaiserlich frowned in concern as Helgrund reported:
“…don’t understand it sir, all I could think about was killing him. I can handle this situation, but I am not feeling myself and request that I undertake a medical assessment before commencing with your orders.�
“Permission granted. I will discuss this with the Blitzmordlich, his knowledge of psychology and physiology is second to none.�
“Yes sir, I won’t let you down sir.�
“Good.�

The Blitzmordlich stared at the roof of the throneroom as Kaiserlich Draigan relayed Helgrund’s concerns. This odd mannerism did not put Draigan off at all, as normal people were not suitable for the Blitzmordlich’s position and normalcy was not expected, only genius. After a minute of silence while he thought, the Blitzmordlich came up with a theory:
“I have been working on a drug that can have a similar effect to this. It is essentially a sentient biological and synthetic template that allows a very subtle form of mind control over the subject, including mild personality changes. The subject’s resilience to the drug will degrade over time, and only the most strong-willed individuals can combat its effects for long. There are no side effects. It is my hypothesis that the Zanekriegerlich has been exposed to this drug specifically with the intention of inciting a war between Zerstorendar and the ESUS nations.�
The Kaiserlich was displeased, and it showed as he asked: “Any ideas how this secret drug of yours got into the hands of one of our enemies?�
“Perhaps, my lord. One particular individual in my organisation who has been under my scrutiny for a while now comes to mind. He was forcefully recruited from a small exterminated rebellious population as a study on the effects of Blitzmord training on the unwilling. It appears now that his loyalty is not completely assured, and I will have to purge the experimental units in my ranks. This should be carried out within the hour, and I will bring the individual in question to you shortly.�
“Do so.�
Not long after, Operation Spring Cleaning was launched under the command of one of the Blitzmordlich’s associates.

During the initial launch of Operation Spring Cleaning the same day, the Blitzmordlich was seriously reprimanded by the Kaiserlich for his laxity. The commander of the Blitzmord vowed to be far more careful, and ruthless, in his experiments from that point on. In the meantime, Zanekriegerlich Helgrund was informed of the situation.

He was not pleased.

“You slithering fool!� he snarled at the Blitzmordlich, “Your gross incompetence endangered more than a twisted creature like you could comprehend!�
Helgrund knew that the accusation of incompetence would be most telling, as the Blitzmord’s face became a snarl over the screen:
“Incompetence!? This was an unfortunate error, and I express my apologies, but I will NOT be called incompetent by one who allowed his security to be infiltrated by what could have been as assassin!�
“The infiltrator was equipped and trained by YOU, I should not be required to protect myself against those I am supposed to trust unequivocally!�
The Blitzmordlich frowned: “It will not happen again.�
Some of his anger dissipated, and Helgrund Klaitus changed the topic back to business:
“You say this antidote works instantly?�
“Yes.�
“Very well. I must take my leave for now, I have a diplomatic situation to resolve.�
“Good luck with that. For my part, I have people to kill.�
“Good luck with that.�

By this point, the Central Facehuggarian senator was rather tired of the Zerstorendarians, and this final meeting would be their last chance to prove themselves remotely capable of normal human interaction. If it came to violence, however, there were more than two guards with him. He had heard good things about the Ravagers, but he seriously doubted two of them were any threat to his bodyguards. As he made his way to the senator’s quarters once more, Helgrund was wracked with apprehension. He knew the Facehuggarian senator had been sorely tested, and even the diplomats of Zerstorendar would have lost their patience in the face of such hostility as the Zanekriegerlich had shown.

He was at the door. He breathed, straightened a crease out of his uniform, and entered.

The Facehuggarian was once again genial, but he also looked on guard. One wrong move on the Zanekriegerlich’s part could ruin everything beyond repair. The two Ravagers stood behind their commander, expressionless, and allowed Klaitus to proceed without antagonizing the Imperial Troopers.

The Supreme Commander of Zerstorendar’s Army approached the senator, and extended his own hand. The senator grasped it, and the two relaxed greatly. They went through the necessary small talk and introductions, and got down to business.
“I would like to bring it to your intention, senator, that my actions before were not of my own volition. I was under the influence of a mind-altering drug that affected my behaviour, and any offence I caused was not my true intention.�
“There was some sort of conspiracy involved?�
“I believe so.�
“Have it been dealt with, might I ask?�
“Oh yes. Without mercy.�
The senator smiled, seeming pleased by the news.
“Perhaps you would like to attend your admittance party now?�
Klaitus nodded: “If it is possible, I’d like to give it another shot.�
“Very well! I’ll make it known that our dispute is ended and that there were mitigating circumstances. I imagine you would like the specifics kept secret?�
“Truth be told I didn’t tell you everything, but yes I would appreciate that, senator.�
“It shall be done, lord Zanekriegerlich. Everything should be once again prepared in an hour. I trust you will be on time?�
“I wouldn’t think of missing Zerstorendar’s admittance into the ESUS.�

++++++

Zanekriegerlich Klaitus had fond memories of the party, all things said and done. He enjoyed mingling with such a various assortment of interesting individuals of exotic origins. The Neo-Mekantans seemed to think he looked tasty, the Sornei were aloof if polite, the Central Facehuggarians were all as curiously polite as the senator Klaitus had gotten to know, the Xenonians were impenetrable, the Sskiss at least fascinated the Ravagers, and the diplomats apparently got along very well with the Trailarii, Kanuckistani, Balroggans and numerous other racial representatives. More importantly, the vast amount of power in the ESUS demanded respect from Klaitus. And respect of superior power was the best kind of respect. Zerstorendar would thrive with such company on the galactic stage.

His craft had emerged into the Zerstorendarian Home System and was on its way to Zerstorendar, where it would land at the Eternity Palace’s spaceport. The Kaiserlich would be pleased at his success, but Klaitus also deemed it important to mend things with the Blitzmordlich. Such high ranking men could not afford to bicker over personal matters if Zerstorendar was to prosper, and besides, the Kaiserlich would not allow it. He would report to lord Draigan, and then discuss the happenings of the past days with the Blitzmordlich.

++++++

The commander of the Blitzmord was not a warm person, but if he got along with anybody, it was his three equals and the Kaiserlich. Helgrund had a unique appreciation for the role that the Blitzmord played both on and off the battlefield, while the Blitzmordlich knew very well the importance of Helgrund’s armies in the safekeeping of Zerstorendar.

“I imagine you dealt with the rogue elements of the Blitzmord mercilessly?�
“It was not a ‘rogue element’, I was watching it the whole time. I gave too much free reign to one particular individual and there were unfortunate consequences. It will not happen again, as I’ve said.�
“Tell me, Sindri. Do you enjoy killing?�
The Blitzmordlich briefly hesitated before answering: “I do what I have to in defence of Zerstorendar. I do not have the luxury of dispensing mercy. I do what I must because I must- I don't merely kill people, I destroy them. You know this. The release of our enemies from their mortal coils is not my business, it is my art, and defending Zerstorendar is my first priority. My soul does not belong to war as yours does, but I sold it to death a long time ago.� The Blitzmordlich’s face creased into a genuine smile, and he stared off into the distance as if suddenly in his own little world.
“Fond memories?� asked the Zanekriegerlich dryly.
“Hm? Oh yes, very much so.�

ADDENDUM:

++++++

1500 hours ZST, August 18th
Arrival of Zanekriegerlich at Zerstorendar after acceptance into ESUS
Historical Archive #00000412

Zerstorendar has been accepted into the ESUS despite initial diplomatic complications. Prosperity shall reign and our power will increase such as it never has before. Hail the Kaiserlich.

The stars belong to the strong.

++++++

1100 hours ZST, November 12th
Three months after the Security crisis designated Issue #05523 and subsequent admission into ESUS.
Blitzmord datalog #02146131

At 1300 hours August 11th ‘Operation Spring Cleaning’ was launched. Of 248 targets, 247 were eliminated in the allotted time of 45 minutes.
The prime traitor was brought to the Eternal Palace at 13:50. The Kaiserlich ordered immediate interrogation.
The Blitzmordlich scheduled the prime traitor for three months of experimentation and then disposal.
Results were notable. In twenty six hours the man, who was originally designated as an “intelligent, creative, driven and highly potent individual� was reduced to the mental equivalent of a severely damaged three year old. Mind-restoration techniques brought the traitor back to his original state with memories intact, at which point experimentation begun once more.
At the end of three months, his family were notified of the ex-prime traitor’s punishment via a holovid recording. The Blitzmordlich ordered that they be dealt with immediately following commencement of initial psychological assault.
Both phases of Operation Spring Cleaning were a complete success. Recommend experimental interrogation methods Z92, Z45, Z46 be adopted into regular use for Type B1 individuals.

The stars belong to the strong.

End datalog.

++++++

[Central Facehuggeria]

I'm trying very hard to find some reason not to give you 100/100/100.

So far, I'm failing.

Either way, welcome.

[Zerstorendar]

Thanks

Oh, and thanks also for the ego boost :3

EDIT: Can it be posting time nao?

[Central Facehuggeria]

Thanks

Oh, and thanks also for the ego boost :3

EDIT: Can it be posting time nao?

Yeah. You should be able to post wherever you wish. I'll check your user settings again just to make sure all your permissions are set up correctly.

[Central Facehuggeria]

Thanks

Oh, and thanks also for the ego boost :3

EDIT: Can it be posting time nao?

Yeah. You should be able to post wherever you wish. I'll check your user settings again just to make sure all your permissions are set up correctly.

Okay. I'm 99% sure everything is working the way it should. You should have access to the War Room, as well as the ability to post in all boards.

[Trailers]

Welcome to fucktardom!!

The Mekantan welcoming committee will be by shortly.

[Central Facehuggeria]

Welcome to fucktardom!!

The Mekantan welcoming committee will be by shortly.

Because in light of this post, it bears repeating:

Don't mind Trailers - he's special.

[Zerstorendar]

I hear the Mekantans are rather vigorous in their welcoming of new members D=

[Telros]

That they are. If you run now, I can distract him long enough with Japanese school girls for you to escape.

[Zerstorendar]

Zerstorendarians never flee >:(

/wracked with regret