ESUS: The Adventure, Reloaded.

[Central Facehuggeria]

Loading ESUS: The Adventure.

You are in the ESUS' senate, a massive marble structure styled after ancient Roman forums. The senate is not in session, so you are alone.

To the left is an ominous blood-red portal. To the right is cake.

>Right.

Sorry, I was lying. There's nothing to the right.

>Examine portal.

The portal is as red as blood, and you can hear vague scratching sounds coming from the other side. What looks like screaming human and nonhuman faces swim across its ever-shifting surface. You think you can faintly smell brimstone wafting out from the portal.

>Inventory

You have: Rendari combat stimulants, an English-Sskiss holotranslator, a Facehuggerian PDA which is currently playing file 'Texas chainsaw massacre' on a repeating loop, and a Kanuckistani insta-gro(TM) biomass generator.

>Collapse portal.

With what?

>Kanuckistani biomass.

You flip on the generator and spray foxgirl DNA into the portal, forming a semi-solid seal which will degrade quickly.

>Left.

Mustering your strength, you run past the portal, only narrowly dodging a fleshy tentacle.

You run headfirst into a passing Mekantan...

>Restore.

You restore your game.

The Mekantan looks at you speculatively, as if waiting for you to make the first move before rape time.

>Take rendari stims.

You use the stimulants. Your muscles bulge and you feel a terrible urge to RIP AND TEAR! Also, the scent of testosterone hangs thickly in the air. You can feel your MANliness grow!

"You are huge!" You say. "That means you have huge guts! RIP AND TEAR!"

The Mekantan looks at you oddly, thrusts out its tentacle, and creates a new orifice in your chest, right below the left kidney. Rape time.

You are undeterred. You grab the tentacle, and, in a cosmic display of manliness, you rip the still-squirming tentacle from its socket.

What now?

>Kill Mekantan with tentacle.

Irony! You rape the Mekantan to death with its own rape tentacle.

The Rendari stimulants wear off. Suddenly, the weight of what just happened hits you. Or rather... The blood loss does.

You pass out.

***

You wake up in a well-lit medical ward. There is an unidentifiable, probably plastic red flower in a vase off to your side, and a 'get well soon' card next to it.

Suddenly, Raptor cavalry!

>Use Sskiss-English translator.

"Tut tut!" The Raptor says. "I heard you were still here, chap! The channers told me to give you this! Good day, old bean!"

The Raptor holds out a strange silvery trinket.

>Take trinket.

You have acquired a Xenonieran plot device! You have no idea what it does, but it must be important!

"Well, I must be off! Cheerio!"

What now?

>Look around.

The only thing of interest is the get well soon card. It's signed "Arenumberg, the only ESUSGirl." On the back side is an image of a night elf in a revealing pose, wearing... Not much at all.

>Fap.

I don't know that word. Nor do I know the word "masturbate," so don't try that either. Sick pervert.

>Leave medical ward.

You try to leave the medical ward, but a traileric hoplite stops you. "No, you can't leave yet. For tonight, we dine in... ARBY'S!"

What now?

Loading ESUS: The Adventure.

>Reload.

You reload your latest game. The Traileric Hoplite is standing in the medical bay, preventing you from leaving.

>Wait.

You wait. The Hoplite looks like he wants to kick you down a bottomless pit.

>Stare at Hoplite.

You stare hard at the Hoplite. Is this supposed to do something?

>Talk to Hoplite.

"I'll leave now, but remember: Eat hearty, for Arby's awaits us!" The Hoplite says before leaving.

>Leave medical bay.

You're stopped by a balding man with a lab coat, a felt-rimmed top hat and gold plated monocle. He reeks of freshly-minted money. He must be a doctor. A Torontonian doctor.

"You have to pay the fees." He says.

>Ask "fees?"

"Yes, fees. What, you thought massive reconstructive surgery comes free? I don't care if you are an agent of the senate, you still have to pay."

>Say: "But, medical care is free to ESUS personnel!"

"The medical care itself is free. However, the air you breathe isn't. Neither is my time. Pay up."

How are you going to get out of this mess?

>Use PDA.

How do you want to use the PDA?

>Turn up volume.

You turn up the volume on the PDA and whisper to the Doctor "I think the Facehuggerians are coming! You hear those chainsaws?"

The doctor steps backwards and glances around nervously, before laughing evily and fixing his gaze back upon you.

"You thought I'd fall for that? Please. I wasn't born yesterda-"

He is interrupted by the tap of a grotesquely large power-armored gauntlet on his shoulder.

"Can it be hugs tiem now?" The Facehuggerian says, extending a pair of treetrunk-thick arms towards the Doctor. Normally this wouldn't be too concerning, except for the fact that lining these arms are thousands of little chainsaw-teeth!

The doctor runs off.

>Talk to Facehugger.

"Foul deeds are afoot. The Mekantans have been even more rape-crazed than usual... And that's saying something, for them. You saw how bad it is. The Sornei civil war is draining the ESUS' resources, so the senate wants you to resolve this situation alone. Here, take this jury-rigged shotgun and bronze butterknife. These will be your weapons."

>"What is this bullshit? That gun is made of paper mache, and the knife isn't even sharp! I want a suit of power armor and one of those fancy rifles. The ones with the chainsaw bayonets. Then I'll consider going off on what will undoubtedly be a long and highly dangerous adventure."

"No. You are breaking genre conventions. Giving you high level equipment in the beginning of the game is strictly forbidden. Even though the ESUS could easily afford to outfit you properly, we choose not to."

>Dicks.

"Yes, yes we are. But you are the protagonist of the story, so it's all good. Oh, and keep an eye on the mysterious healer girl when you meet her. It'd really suck for her to meet an unexpected and entirely unpreventable end..."

>Take newb crap.

You take the bronze butterknife and the paper mache shotgun.

"Now, the senate demands your presence. They wish to brief you for your mission. Then you shall have a dinner at Arby's with a Traileric Phalanx, before we send you off on what will undoubtedly be a one way trip."

Loading ESUS: The Adventure.

>Reload game.

You reload the game.

The Facehuggerian shoos you out of the room and into the main ESUS transit hub. Currently, only the trams and the teleporters are operational. You glance at the jetpack storage locker, but it is empty. Damn it.

>Teleport.

Where?

>Teleport to ESUS senate.

You step into the teleporter and feel a strange sensation rather akin to being carved up into over nine thousand perfect cubes. Oops. Some dastardly person seems to have replaced the "suicide booth" sign with a "teleporter" sign.

Your score: 6/9001.
Your rank: Sith Mooktrooper.

Would you like to restart?

>Yes.

You've created a time paradox! Pime teradox! The universe is unraveling! SNAAAAAKE!

Ahem.

You feel an irresistable force pulling you through time and space. Wisps of ether swirl around you as the fate is rewritten. Your old death becomes nothing more than a faded memory.

You appear on the platform of the main ESUS travel hub. Try to think before you leap, this time.

>Think.

Not literally.

>Look at tram.

You see the tram. It's made of metal, with spartan, if relatively comfortable seats. It is presently devoid of other passengers. There is a strange piece of paper lying on one seat.

>Take paper.

You take the paper. Would you like to read it?

>Yes.

It's a note, written in a very shaky, probably terrified hand. It appears that someone is being held against their will deeper within the tramway, probably off one of the abandoned sub-tunnels.

>Engage tram.

You better tell me where. It'd be terrible to just hit the go button. Remember what happened the last time you tried something without thinking?

>Fuck you.

Hints: Off.

>Grumble.

Focus. You have a game to play.

>Send tram into abandoned tunnel network.

With a low whirring noise, the tram sets off.

>Inventory.

You have the PDA, still playing texas chainsaw massacre, the xenonieran plot trinket, the biomass generator, the paper-mache shotgun, and the bronze butterknife. You can't carry much more. Oh, and the shotgun is only good for one shot, in case you didn't guess.

Cheesy elevator music starts playing from the tram's loudspeakers.

A lovely female voice says: "Good morning, and welcome to the black mesa tran- Oh. Sorry, wrong script... Welcome to ESUSTran V1.0! I'm Rain, Xenonieran X-Pop star hired to brighten up your day with a little lyrical fun!"

You contemplate killing yourself, but your butter knife is dull.

Finally, after some time, the tram comes to a stop.

The abandoned tunnel system is very dark, and you don't have any way to light your way. You could be eaten by a grue, for all you know.

>Light way with movie.

...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is not a very bright movie. You'll have to either get a new movie, or buy a flashlight.

Suddenly, more raptor cavalry!

>Use English-Sskiss translator.

"The senate sent me to find you! Something has happened, come quickly Old Bean!"

The Sskiss races off down back the way you came.

>Take tram to ESUS Senate complex.

And so ends the original ESUS: The Adventure updates.

[Central Facehuggeria]

Loading ESUS: The Adventure, V 1.0.

>Reload.

You reload your game. The tram is humming softly as it takes you to your destination: The ESUS senate station.

Over the loudspeakers, you hear an extremely pleasant female voice. "Welcome to the ESUS transportation network. Due to budget increases, I'll be replacing Rain as your host this evening. But first, time for the news:

It's a nice sixty eight degrees inside the station today, and just above absolute zero outside. Stocks in PrawnCo, makers of the mekantan repellant spray "Rape-X" have soared today following news of the Mekantan Hegemony's reemergence into the ESUS.

In other news, the Solar Communes have been admitted to the ESUS after a period of closed negotiations with the senate. It's not known what exactly was said, but several copies of archaic Rick Astley songs were found in the senate datanet after the SC emissaries left.

Still no word on the fate of the colony ship ESS Venture. But given that the ESUS lost contact with it a century ago today, that is to be expected. The Venture, the first joint-ESUS mission, was sent to colonize a distant world in the Noah system, but it never arrived. Subsequent military surveys found no evidence of the missing colony ship, nor its two point five million colonists in stasis. It has been ruled a tragic accident.

And a spot of good news: The Sornei Civil War seems to be winding down. There has been no renegade Elf activity in recent months, although the two sides seem to be peering at each other over the broken remains of what was once one of Ile Sorne's core systems. Whether this will prompt the senate to authorize increased funding for cultural endeavours in lieu of military spending is unclear, but I think I speak for all Univarians - and indeed all civilized beings everywhere, when I say "I hope so."

Now arriving at Sector A - Senate Complex. Please remember to take any valuables with you as you exit the train. Thank you."

The tram has arrived, and you find yourself in the station that leads to the ESUS senate. There are several gruff looking security guards in unpowered body armor looking around nervously.

>Talk to guards.

"Finally! The senate was waiting for you! Get your ass in there!"

>Enter senate chamber.

The senate chamber is still as large as it was the last time you were here. But now that it's filled with people - all manner of sentient beings, it feels unbearably cramped.

Directly across from you, your eyes fall upon an enormous Sskiss diplomat. Now, you don't know your Sauria, but it looks a lot like a Tyrannosaurous Rex.

>Look at Sskiss.

The Sskiss ambassador is wearing a naval blue petticoat with white trousers and is holding a gem-tipped cane in one stubby arm. He has a twirly black moustache, and appears to be wearing a curly white wig that looks like it belongs in 18th century England.

He appears to be smiling, though you don't know if that's a good thing or not.

A person - a beautiful human female, has stepped into the center of the forum while you were oogling the Sskiss diplomat. She clears her throat.

Instantly, the clamor of conversation cuts, as if cutting a recording.

>Yell.

That's not a good idea.

>I don't care. Yell. In fact, yell and make crude gestures towards the woman.

What are you, twelve?

>Do it.

Fine.

Your voice shatters the newfound tranquility in the forum. The woman pouts sourly and pulls out a Watts 1000 laser pistol and turns your head into a fast-expanding cloud of red mist.

Would you like to reload?

>Yes.

Very well. Time and space swirls around you. You bump into a blue police call box, but before you can examine it, you are ripped through time and deposited onto the floor of the senate. The woman has just ascended to the podium in the center.

Try not to interupt characters when they're about to deliver plot-important information.

>"Go to hell."

Extreme difficulty mode enabled! Have fun!

"So nice of you to finally join us, Commander. The Senate has a mission for you."

>Ask: "mission?"

"Yes. Recently, we have recieved a distress call from the Borealis a Facehuggerian explorator vessel doing deep fringe surveying; we think the Mekantans are involved. Possibly rogue Mekantans, which are even more dangerous. We want you to investigate. Accompanying you will be Lord Yiff, a Kanuckistani Adventurer-guide, as well as Rock Cuntpunt, a Rendari heavy weapons specialist."

"Ahem!" Someone says.

The woman grits her teeth, but says "You will also be accompanied by the Allanean operative code named "Happy Feet." That is all. We've issued you an unmarked courier, which will be ready for departure in twelve hours. Make sure you have all your affairs squared away by then. Dismissed."

>Leave.

As you leave, the chorus of angrily arguing voices starts up again.

Where to now?

>Shopping.

Very well. You have 100 credits in your account. You make your way to the "mall" of the ESUS senate station. Lights and glitter flash in your eyes, and sounds of every sort assault your ears.

Women of every imaginable species beckon to you from the notorious "red lightsaber district," where GFFA and GE diplomats are known to go when not on duty. You can see a short green troll-like creature pounding a moaning Elvish female just within the district. "Judge me by my size do you? Judge me by my size you should!"

Wrenching your eyes from the scene, you see that there's also a general store, a military surplus shop, and what looks like a sex shop directly adjacent to the entrance to the red lightsaber district.

>Enter military surplus shop.

You enter the shop. Nobody appears to be behind the desk, though you can see a lot of weapons and armor arranged neatly in rows. Your mouth starts salivating.

You feel the cold sharp of a knife blade at your throat. A comically fake Australian accent says "I got ya good, boyo! This here is my store! Arms and arms! We have every sort of weapon you can imagine, and a bunch you can't!"

You turn and come face to face with a short man wearing camouflage face paint. Unfortunately, his bright yellow and red-trimmed armor gives him away.

He is grinning like he's a few bullets short of a mag.

>"I want to buy some armor."

He nods and leads you over to his a far wall where several suits of armor are standing ridigly, held in place with force-fields and metal clamps.

They are all well out of your price range, though they look very protective.

>"Do you have anything for 100 credits?"

The man bites his lower lip.

"Well, I've got this raider armor. Yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't actually include chest protection. I don't think the guys who made it were too bright, if you get me. I mean, what kind of idiot attacks a man in power armor with a tac-nuke launcher, when you've got this and a lead pipe, eh?"

The armor doesn't look very protective. In fact, it looks like leather with bits of metal nailed through it. The suit wouldn't stop a bullet, much less a Mekantan tentacle or death ray.

>"Maybe some other time. Thanks. Goodbye."

You leave the store.

Where do you go next?

[Solar Communes]

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