The First Adventure wrote:Loading ESUS: The Adventure.
You are in the ESUS' senate, a massive marble structure styled after ancient Roman forums. The senate is not in session, so you are alone.
To the left is an ominous blood-red portal. To the right is cake.
>Right.
Sorry, I was lying. There's nothing to the right.
>Examine portal.
The portal is as red as blood, and you can hear vague scratching sounds coming from the other side. What looks like screaming human and nonhuman faces swim across its ever-shifting surface. You think you can faintly smell brimstone wafting out from the portal.
>Inventory
You have: Rendari combat stimulants, an English-Sskiss holotranslator, a Facehuggerian PDA which is currently playing file 'Texas chainsaw massacre' on a repeating loop, and a Kanuckistani insta-gro(TM) biomass generator.
>Collapse portal.
With what?
>Kanuckistani biomass.
You flip on the generator and spray foxgirl DNA into the portal, forming a semi-solid seal which will degrade quickly.
>Left.
Mustering your strength, you run past the portal, only narrowly dodging a fleshy tentacle.
You run headfirst into a passing Mekantan...
The Second Adventure wrote:>Restore.
You restore your game.
The Mekantan looks at you speculatively, as if waiting for you to make the first move before rape time.
>Take rendari stims.
You use the stimulants. Your muscles bulge and you feel a terrible urge to RIP AND TEAR! Also, the scent of testosterone hangs thickly in the air. You can feel your MANliness grow!
"You are huge!" You say. "That means you have huge guts! RIP AND TEAR!"
The Mekantan looks at you oddly, thrusts out its tentacle, and creates a new orifice in your chest, right below the left kidney. Rape time.
You are undeterred. You grab the tentacle, and, in a cosmic display of manliness, you rip the still-squirming tentacle from its socket.
What now?
>Kill Mekantan with tentacle.
Irony! You rape the Mekantan to death with its own rape tentacle.
The Rendari stimulants wear off. Suddenly, the weight of what just happened hits you. Or rather... The blood loss does.
You pass out.
***
You wake up in a well-lit medical ward. There is an unidentifiable, probably plastic red flower in a vase off to your side, and a 'get well soon' card next to it.
Suddenly, Raptor cavalry!
>Use Sskiss-English translator.
"Tut tut!" The Raptor says. "I heard you were still here, chap! The channers told me to give you this! Good day, old bean!"
The Raptor holds out a strange silvery trinket.
>Take trinket.
You have acquired a Xenonieran plot device! You have no idea what it does, but it must be important!
"Well, I must be off! Cheerio!"
What now?
>Look around.
The only thing of interest is the get well soon card. It's signed "Arenumberg, the only ESUSGirl." On the back side is an image of a night elf in a revealing pose, wearing... Not much at all.
>Fap.
I don't know that word. Nor do I know the word "masturbate," so don't try that either. Sick pervert.
>Leave medical ward.
You try to leave the medical ward, but a traileric hoplite stops you. "No, you can't leave yet. For tonight, we dine in... ARBY'S!"
What now?
The Third Adventure wrote:Loading ESUS: The Adventure.
>Reload.
You reload your latest game. The Traileric Hoplite is standing in the medical bay, preventing you from leaving.
>Wait.
You wait. The Hoplite looks like he wants to kick you down a bottomless pit.
>Stare at Hoplite.
You stare hard at the Hoplite. Is this supposed to do something?
>Talk to Hoplite.
"I'll leave now, but remember: Eat hearty, for Arby's awaits us!" The Hoplite says before leaving.
>Leave medical bay.
You're stopped by a balding man with a lab coat, a felt-rimmed top hat and gold plated monocle. He reeks of freshly-minted money. He must be a doctor. A Torontonian doctor.
"You have to pay the fees." He says.
>Ask "fees?"
"Yes, fees. What, you thought massive reconstructive surgery comes free? I don't care if you are an agent of the senate, you still have to pay."
>Say: "But, medical care is free to ESUS personnel!"
"The medical care itself is free. However, the air you breathe isn't. Neither is my time. Pay up."
How are you going to get out of this mess?
>Use PDA.
How do you want to use the PDA?
>Turn up volume.
You turn up the volume on the PDA and whisper to the Doctor "I think the Facehuggerians are coming! You hear those chainsaws?"
The doctor steps backwards and glances around nervously, before laughing evily and fixing his gaze back upon you.
"You thought I'd fall for that? Please. I wasn't born yesterda-"
He is interrupted by the tap of a grotesquely large power-armored gauntlet on his shoulder.
"Can it be hugs tiem now?" The Facehuggerian says, extending a pair of treetrunk-thick arms towards the Doctor. Normally this wouldn't be too concerning, except for the fact that lining these arms are thousands of little chainsaw-teeth!
The doctor runs off.
>Talk to Facehugger.
"Foul deeds are afoot. The Mekantans have been even more rape-crazed than usual... And that's saying something, for them. You saw how bad it is. The Sornei civil war is draining the ESUS' resources, so the senate wants you to resolve this situation alone. Here, take this jury-rigged shotgun and bronze butterknife. These will be your weapons."
>"What is this bullshit? That gun is made of paper mache, and the knife isn't even sharp! I want a suit of power armor and one of those fancy rifles. The ones with the chainsaw bayonets. Then I'll consider going off on what will undoubtedly be a long and highly dangerous adventure."
"No. You are breaking genre conventions. Giving you high level equipment in the beginning of the game is strictly forbidden. Even though the ESUS could easily afford to outfit you properly, we choose not to."
>Dicks.
"Yes, yes we are. But you are the protagonist of the story, so it's all good. Oh, and keep an eye on the mysterious healer girl when you meet her. It'd really suck for her to meet an unexpected and entirely unpreventable end..."
>Take newb crap.
You take the bronze butterknife and the paper mache shotgun.
"Now, the senate demands your presence. They wish to brief you for your mission. Then you shall have a dinner at Arby's with a Traileric Phalanx, before we send you off on what will undoubtedly be a one way trip."
The 4th Adventure wrote:Loading ESUS: The Adventure.
>Reload game.
You reload the game.
The Facehuggerian shoos you out of the room and into the main ESUS transit hub. Currently, only the trams and the teleporters are operational. You glance at the jetpack storage locker, but it is empty. Damn it.
>Teleport.
Where?
>Teleport to ESUS senate.
You step into the teleporter and feel a strange sensation rather akin to being carved up into over nine thousand perfect cubes. Oops. Some dastardly person seems to have replaced the "suicide booth" sign with a "teleporter" sign.
Your score: 6/9001.
Your rank: Sith Mooktrooper.
Would you like to restart?
>Yes.
You've created a time paradox! Pime teradox! The universe is unraveling! SNAAAAAKE!
Ahem.
You feel an irresistable force pulling you through time and space. Wisps of ether swirl around you as the fate is rewritten. Your old death becomes nothing more than a faded memory.
You appear on the platform of the main ESUS travel hub. Try to think before you leap, this time.
>Think.
Not literally.
>Look at tram.
You see the tram. It's made of metal, with spartan, if relatively comfortable seats. It is presently devoid of other passengers. There is a strange piece of paper lying on one seat.
>Take paper.
You take the paper. Would you like to read it?
>Yes.
It's a note, written in a very shaky, probably terrified hand. It appears that someone is being held against their will deeper within the tramway, probably off one of the abandoned sub-tunnels.
>Engage tram.
You better tell me where. It'd be terrible to just hit the go button. Remember what happened the last time you tried something without thinking?
>Fuck you.
Hints: Off.
>Grumble.
Focus. You have a game to play.
>Send tram into abandoned tunnel network.
With a low whirring noise, the tram sets off.
>Inventory.
You have the PDA, still playing texas chainsaw massacre, the xenonieran plot trinket, the biomass generator, the paper-mache shotgun, and the bronze butterknife. You can't carry much more. Oh, and the shotgun is only good for one shot, in case you didn't guess.
Cheesy elevator music starts playing from the tram's loudspeakers.
A lovely female voice says: "Good morning, and welcome to the black mesa tran- Oh. Sorry, wrong script... Welcome to ESUSTran V1.0! I'm Rain, Xenonieran X-Pop star hired to brighten up your day with a little lyrical fun!"
You contemplate killing yourself, but your butter knife is dull.
Finally, after some time, the tram comes to a stop.
The abandoned tunnel system is very dark, and you don't have any way to light your way. You could be eaten by a grue, for all you know.
>Light way with movie.
...
Texas Chainsaw Massacre is not a very bright movie. You'll have to either get a new movie, or buy a flashlight.
Suddenly, more raptor cavalry!
>Use English-Sskiss translator.
"The senate sent me to find you! Something has happened, come quickly Old Bean!"
The Sskiss races off down back the way you came.
>Take tram to ESUS Senate complex.
And so ends the original ESUS: The Adventure updates.
"Please tell me that you haven't heard military gossip about a fleet of invisible battleplates."